Fifty Shades of Red

This is kind of a guest post today because I am going to tell a story to add to all the Fifty Shades nonsense. This is about my friend G. It’s a good one, y’all. I can't wait for these movies to come out and the hopefully embarrassing/awkward stories that they produce.

Fifty Shades of Red

G just moved to a new town and with that, as you know, is the task of establishing a new home, new schools for the kids, and the dreaded chore of finding new doctors (to me, this is the worst). G is not a huge reader, but I encouraged her to read the Fifty Shades Trilogy. Why not? Who doesn't like reading about sex? She flew through the books and during them, she had her first visit with, we’ll call him, Dr. Shady.

So she is in the waiting room and reading her Fifty Shades book when they call her back. She goes through all the normal protocol with the nurse. She stashes the book in her purse as Dr. Shady walks in. A tall, handsome forty something, and his eyes are just a lovely steel blue. Perfect.

G immediately glances at the book in her purse and thinks “This can’t be happening. Of course I would pick a hot doctor.” Dr. Shady proceeds to introduce himself, and they start going over her medical history. The conversation goes a little something like this:

G: I am really fine. I just need some refills on my meds for my anxiety and what not.

Dr. Shady: Ok, what are you taking now?

G: I am on Happy Meds #1, but I am thinking about gradually weaning off of them.

Dr. Shady: Ok, why would you want to do that?

G: Well, they are really taking a toll on my libido and ya know, I kind of need to keep that alive for my marriage. 

Dr. Shady: There are some other SSRI's and options that you could try. Maybe you should think about trying a vibrator.

G turns a deep shade of pink, and breaks out in a small sweat.

G: What? Oh. Ok, well you know, we just moved here and I really would not know the first place to even look for one. I really haven’t checked into any novelty stores here yet. I am sure there are some and I could ask around to find one. I mean I have used them before but it’s been years so I really had not even thought of that.

Small sweat is now turning into pit sweat.

Dr. Shady looks at her questioningly.

G: I mean if you think that is what I need to do then I am willing to give it a shot. I just figured I could wean off my Happy Meds #1 and that would help.

Dr. Shady: I am sorry, Mrs. G, but what did you think that I said?

G stares at Dr. Shady and is more of a crimson color at this point in the visit. 

G: Get a vibrator.

Now, Dr. Shady looks uncomfortable.

Dr. Shady: Um no, Mrs. G, I said maybe you could try Happy Meds #2 (Vibrant?), which does not have the sexual side effects as Happy Meds #1.

Pit sweat has turned to full blown body sweat plus fidgeting.

G: Oh, oh my God. I am so sorry. I am just reading this book right now, Fifty Shades, and so I just thought that you said a vibrator and…

Dr. Shady glances down at book in hanging out of her purse.

Dr. Shady: Yes, I have heard that is a good book.

G: Oh it is...I mean I just started reading them...

G is ready to sprint through the door at this point. 

Dr. Shady: Well, moving forward, I think we should try Happy Meds #2 and see how that helps. Let's continue...I'd like you to come back in three months to see how you are doing.

So G is about Fifty Shades of Red as she leaves the office and bolts out to the car. She realizes as she gets in the car that she can never go back to Dr. Shady as she will always be known as "Vibrator Girl" from here on out and she just got Fifty Shades Fucked.

To be continued after her after her next appointment with Dr. Shady...

Simple Thoughts

Sweet boy is 2 months old already!

LF refuses to believe this is a "Tree Skirt".

Simple Thoughts:

1. Cancer sucks. My dad is on a new round of chemo and is hard to see him "not himself". This too shall pass.

2. I am so thankful to have my husband support me.

3. The holidays stress me out, but it is my favorite time of year. So, it's a love/hate relationship.

4. I have a new love for Twitter. (Thanks Ash!)

5. Sometimes, I just have to stop and take a deep breath.

6. I am really happy that Alfonzo is back (our Elf on the Shelf).

7. I have some awesome friends that always keep me laughing, even when they are stressed out. It's the glue that keeps us all together.

8. I feel blessed to have the families that we do.

9. I love visiting everyone back home, but I am so happy that we do not have to leave the state of OK for the next month and a half.

10. I was worried that I might be getting pink eye last night. I'm not.

11. Some people are annoyed by Christmas music, but I love it.

12. Running/working out is so much harder when I do not get adequate sleep. I can't wait for us to get in our little routine up here.

13. I wish my brother did not have to go overseas again. Boo.

14. Since my brother is going overseas, I can't wait to see my sis-in-law in March for a visit and my first 10K. Yea!

15. I think the Gangnam Style Dance is Hilarious. LF and I love doing it in the car!

Adorable.

16. I reeeaaally need to get a pedicure.






17. Cam is the cutest. Period.






18. This is what happens when there are two kids in the picture. Those are all clean, by the way.

That's all.

Life is good.

I am so behind on my blog!! Where do I even start? Ok, first things. I had Cam on September 19, 12:05 p.m., and he weighed 8 lbs 4 oz and was 20 1/2 inches long. And absolutely perfect! He did hold out until we checked in the hospital and literally during labor the nurse was pushing him down because he kept trying to creep back up in me rather than come out!

This labor and delivery was so much different than with LF. Everything went just as it should. We checked in that morning, he broke my water, started the Pitocin drip (on the lowest possible amount - I insisted and my nurse was awesome), contractions really started picking up, and I called for the epidural between around 7 cm or maybe a little more than that. At that point too, she had cut off the Pitocin so it was all me with the contractions. The nurses were really impressed I held out as long as I did. I was so focused on my breathing and relaxing through each one, it was really tolerable til that 6-7 cm mark. She told me they should film me so other people could see how calm I was! I had to have constant cold cloths on my head and neck. When I was trying to decide if I really wanted to go through with the epidural, I actually asked if any Tylenol would help. Tylenol??? I must be crazy. The nurse was great, and we went over the best options and the epidural was the most logical decision. And after I said to do it, I was like "Dear Lord please tell the anestisologist to hurry!" When he got there, he said,  "She is about to have this baby!" And I was like, "Give me the drugs!!!!" The nurse said, "This one asked for Tylenol and a cold cloth!" I am sure I gave them all a good laugh that morning! It made for an awesome experience this go round. I will say it was much harder to push him out though since you can't feel anything down there. I looked at the nurse at one point and asked "Is this working??". I knew what muscles to focus on when pushing, but it was hard to tell if anything was happening! I could feel the pressure of what was going on, but that was it. Needless to say whatever I was doing was working because it did not take too long to push him out. Kegels people, kegels.

I was actually laughing during delivery! Funny little story here: As I was pushing, my Andy was helping to hold me up, and I think he was actually straining almost as much as I was with every push. So my Doctor looks up and says, "We're gonna have to get him some hemorrhoid cream - look at that vein popping out of his head!". Seriously y'all - I was in mid-push when he said this and I was dying laughing! And with that, I think it was one or two more pushes and my Cam Cub came out crying! I had so many tears of happiness. My heart just feels so full, and our little family really does feel complete now with Cam here. He is just a joy too. He latched right on and sleeps and pees and poops and is such a good baby.

 LF is adjusting to him and is a great little helper. I have started letting her help give him a bottle before she goes to sleep at night and hold him, and she is really good at helping with diaper changes too. She does not like to hear him cry either! She gets so worried about him and is constantly either putting his pa-pa (that's what LF called her pacifier) in his mouth or yanking it out because I know she secretly wishes she was using it. The only thing we have had to watch her on is basically not smothering him with kisses and hugs and watching her like a hawk because she wants to pick him up by herself - which she did manage to move him from one couch to the other at my parents house! We were finishing dinner, and I thought Andy was in the den with them but he had gone upstairs to do some work. Well, LF comes in the kitchen and says something to the effect of  "Cam on couch". I imagine I had that deer in headlights kind of look, and I ran in the den. Sure enough, he was sprawled out on the couch, still in one piece thank goodness. Oh, we are not terrible parents either and did have him in a little travel bed that was on the couch so he could not roll off. She just picked him up out of that. Ai ya yiiiiiih. He slept through the entire incident though, so no harm done. We have a lot of talks about how her hands are still to little to pick up babies and only Mommy's and Daddy's and big people need to do that. She is pretty stubborn though and thinks she can do it all by herself. That apple did not fall far from either tree!

Honestly, I feel like adding the second is actually easier than having the first. I think our confidence is much higher, and we've  already been through all the worries and concerns once. I am so much more laid back with Cam than I was with LF. I was always worried she was not breathing or not getting enough milk or not developing properly. Even though I was in Early Intervention and know development, I was still freaking out!    I have just let him let me know when he's hungry and what not.

We made it back to OKC and are getting settled here again. That was probably the most overwhelming thing of all. I felt like we were just getting settled back in Shreveport, and then it was time to move it all back to OKC. I was so happy to be home though, and we are all getting into the routine, somewhat. LF was super excited to see her dolls and house, and she actually did not come out of her room for quite some time. Last Monday, Andy left for work in Enid. That was hard since I was not ready to jump back into being a single parent during the week with not one but two kids now. We had our nanny start too, and I will probably call her DG in here. That stands for Domestic Goddess. She is awesome. She also makes Harry Potter wands. Like I said, she is awesome.

I actually had two job interviews and was offered the first. It was a sales job, but I am not taking it since the hours are crazy. I would really never see Andy, and only get to see LF right before she goes to bed. I am not ready for that amount of space from my baby girl by any means. I am ready to get back to work and miss it. Weird, right?  I am a worker so I have missed it since North Dakota. Say a little prayer for me! I know it will all work out as it should. It will be hard to leave that sweet little smile though once it happens!

Life is good, my friends, life is good. When I get a full 8 hours of sleep, life will be amazing! HA!