Fifty Shades of Red

This is kind of a guest post today because I am going to tell a story to add to all the Fifty Shades nonsense. This is about my friend G. It’s a good one, y’all. I can't wait for these movies to come out and the hopefully embarrassing/awkward stories that they produce.

Fifty Shades of Red

G just moved to a new town and with that, as you know, is the task of establishing a new home, new schools for the kids, and the dreaded chore of finding new doctors (to me, this is the worst). G is not a huge reader, but I encouraged her to read the Fifty Shades Trilogy. Why not? Who doesn't like reading about sex? She flew through the books and during them, she had her first visit with, we’ll call him, Dr. Shady.

So she is in the waiting room and reading her Fifty Shades book when they call her back. She goes through all the normal protocol with the nurse. She stashes the book in her purse as Dr. Shady walks in. A tall, handsome forty something, and his eyes are just a lovely steel blue. Perfect.

G immediately glances at the book in her purse and thinks “This can’t be happening. Of course I would pick a hot doctor.” Dr. Shady proceeds to introduce himself, and they start going over her medical history. The conversation goes a little something like this:

G: I am really fine. I just need some refills on my meds for my anxiety and what not.

Dr. Shady: Ok, what are you taking now?

G: I am on Happy Meds #1, but I am thinking about gradually weaning off of them.

Dr. Shady: Ok, why would you want to do that?

G: Well, they are really taking a toll on my libido and ya know, I kind of need to keep that alive for my marriage. 

Dr. Shady: There are some other SSRI's and options that you could try. Maybe you should think about trying a vibrator.

G turns a deep shade of pink, and breaks out in a small sweat.

G: What? Oh. Ok, well you know, we just moved here and I really would not know the first place to even look for one. I really haven’t checked into any novelty stores here yet. I am sure there are some and I could ask around to find one. I mean I have used them before but it’s been years so I really had not even thought of that.

Small sweat is now turning into pit sweat.

Dr. Shady looks at her questioningly.

G: I mean if you think that is what I need to do then I am willing to give it a shot. I just figured I could wean off my Happy Meds #1 and that would help.

Dr. Shady: I am sorry, Mrs. G, but what did you think that I said?

G stares at Dr. Shady and is more of a crimson color at this point in the visit. 

G: Get a vibrator.

Now, Dr. Shady looks uncomfortable.

Dr. Shady: Um no, Mrs. G, I said maybe you could try Happy Meds #2 (Vibrant?), which does not have the sexual side effects as Happy Meds #1.

Pit sweat has turned to full blown body sweat plus fidgeting.

G: Oh, oh my God. I am so sorry. I am just reading this book right now, Fifty Shades, and so I just thought that you said a vibrator and…

Dr. Shady glances down at book in hanging out of her purse.

Dr. Shady: Yes, I have heard that is a good book.

G: Oh it is...I mean I just started reading them...

G is ready to sprint through the door at this point. 

Dr. Shady: Well, moving forward, I think we should try Happy Meds #2 and see how that helps. Let's continue...I'd like you to come back in three months to see how you are doing.

So G is about Fifty Shades of Red as she leaves the office and bolts out to the car. She realizes as she gets in the car that she can never go back to Dr. Shady as she will always be known as "Vibrator Girl" from here on out and she just got Fifty Shades Fucked.

To be continued after her after her next appointment with Dr. Shady...