I am so pissed at cancer and probably God a little bit too.

From Wikipedia:

Cancer /ˈkænsər/ ( listen), known medically as a malignant neoplasm, is a broad group of various diseases, all involving unregulated cell growth. In cancer, cells divide and grow uncontrollably, forming malignant tumors, and invade nearby parts of the body. The cancer may also spread to more distant parts of the body through the lymphatic system or bloodstream. Not all tumors are cancerous. Benign tumors do not grow uncontrollably, do not invade neighboring tissues, and do not spread throughout the body.
Determining what causes cancer is complex. Many things are known to increase the risk of cancer, including tobacco use, certain infections, radiation, lack of physical activity, poor diet and obesity, and environmental pollutants.^[1] These can directly damage genes or combine with existing genetic faults within cells to cause the disease.^[2] Approximately five to ten percent of cancers are entirely hereditary.
Cancer can be detected in a number of ways, including the presence of certain signs and symptoms, screening tests, or medical imaging. Once a possible cancer is detected it is diagnosed by microscopic examination of a tissue sample. Cancer is usually treated with chemotherapy, radiation therapy and surgery. The chances of surviving the disease vary greatly by the type and location of the cancer and the extent of disease at the start of treatment. While cancer can affect people of all ages, and a few types of cancer are more common in children, the risk of developing cancer generally increases with age. In 2007, cancer caused about 13% of all human deaths worldwide (7.9 million). Rates are rising as more people live to an old age and as mass lifestyle changes occur in the developing world.^[3]


Metastatic breast cancer is a stage of breast cancer where the disease has spread to distant metastases. It is a complication of primary breast cancer, usually occurring several years after resection of the primary breast cancer. Metastatic breast cancer cells frequently differ from the preceding primary breast cancer in properties such as receptor status, have often developed resistance to several lines of previous treatment and acquired special properties that permit them metastasize to distant sites, making them especially dangerous. The prognosis is often poor, distant metastases are the cause of about 90% of deaths due to breast cancer.
Breast cancer primarily metastasizes to the bone, lungs, regional lymph nodes, liver and brain, with the most common site being the bone. Lymph node metastsasis into the sentinel node and few surrounding nodes is regarded as a treatable local event and not metastatic breast cancer, both when occurring at primary presentation or later.
Typical environmental barriers in a metastatic event include physical (a basement membrane), chemical (reactive oxygen species or ROS, hypoxia and low pH) and biological (immune surveillance, inhibitory cytokines and regulatory extra-cellular matrix (ECM) peptides) components.^[1] Organ-specific anatomic considerations also influence metastasis; these include blood-flow patterns from the primary tumor and the homing ability of cancer cells to certain tissues. The targeting by cancer cells of specific organs is probably regulated by chemo-attractant factors and adhesion molecules produced by the target organ, along with cell-surface receptors expressed by the tumor cells.


Lymphoma is a cancer of the lymphocytes, a type of cell that forms part of the immune system. Typically, lymphoma is present as a solid tumor of lymphoid cells. Treatment might involve chemotherapy and in some cases radiotherapy and/or bone marrow transplantation, and can be curable depending on the histology, type, and stage of the disease.^[1] These malignant cells often originate in lymph nodes, presenting as an enlargement of the node (a tumor). It can also affect other organs in which case it is referred to as extranodal lymphoma. Extranodal sites include the skin, brain, bowels and bone. Lymphomas are closely related to lymphoid leukemias, which also originate in lymphocytes but typically involve only circulating blood and the bone marrow (where blood cells are generated in a process termed haematopoesis) and do not usually form static tumors.^[1] There are many types of lymphomas, and in turn, lymphomas are a part of the broad group of diseases called hematological neoplasms.
Thomas Hodgkin published the first description of lymphoma in 1832, specifically of the form named after him, Hodgkin's lymphoma.^[2] Since then, many other forms of lymphoma have been described, grouped under several proposed classifications. The 1982 Working formulation classification became very popular. It introduced the category non-Hodgkin lymphoma (NHL), divided into 16 different diseases. However, because these different lymphomas have little in common with each other, the NHL label is of limited usefulness for doctors or patients and is slowly being abandoned. The latest classification by the WHO (2008) lists 70 different forms of lymphoma divided in four broad groups.^[3]
Although older classifications referred to histiocytic lymphomas, these are recognized in newer classifications as of B, T or NK cell lineage. True histiocytic malignancies are rare and are classified as sarcomas.^[4]

Cancer is a word that I have known for too long in my life. My first memory of it is was when I met Somer Connelly after we moved to Magnolia. She had leukemia. She had a smile that could just light up the room and a spirit that was so warm.  She died when I was 12 years old I believe and far too young for such an angel to leave this earth. I remember my mom telling me that it wasn't the cancer that made her lose her hair, it was the medicine that treated the cancer. How can a medicine make you lose your hair though?? Little did I know that our family would be dealing with cancer far too often.  I have known cancer up close and personal for more than half of my life.   My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 40. And from then on it has been a continuous battle with her body that she has fought, refusing to let it win. She is a strong woman and now she will have to remain strong for more reasons than just her cancer battle. The last definition will become more familiar to me over the next few months as my dad was just diagnosed with lymphoma. We don't know which kind it is or a treatment plan. We should know all of that information in the next couple weeks.  8:49 a.m. 4/5/2012 I got the call and was able to keep it together when I was dropping LF off at daycare and heading to the store. It was kind of like this haze came over me. I lost it when I pulled into Walmart parking lot though. I pulled it together because we really needed some milk. That was the whole reason I needed to go there. Then I kind of just floated throughout Walmart tossing random things in my cart. I really don't even know what I bought this morning. And then...then I got pissed. I felt like M'lynn in Steel Magnolias at the funeral scene. I wanted to shake my fist and scream WHY?? WHY????? in the middle of this North Dakota Walmart. This town has not seen crazy from the South yet! I mean really? My Dad? Lila Faye's Pops?? Mike the Bluffer? This can't be happening. He is the rock. He has been the rock for my mom for all these years. It's just insane to come to the realization that both my parents have cancer now. I am so pissed off and angry and sad right now. And I am a million miles away which makes it even harder to deal with because I can not hug my parents and tell them everything is going to be ok. And we are all going to be fine. I am pissed because how can God do this? Our family has had to deal with so much over the years and make so many sacrifices. It has been a struggle financially on my family. It is the question of why and what did anyone do to deserve this? And there is no answer that can be given. You know what? I don't want prayers. I want answers. Fuck cancer. I say I don't want prayers but that is a lie. I do want prayers. And my family needs prayers and positive thoughts. Cancer takes too many lives and infects too many that do not deserve it. Sure this is a poor attitude to have right now but this is part of the process. It's almost like dealing with a close one dying. It's the grievance process of finding out a loved one has cancer. And this is not the first time I have had to go through this process unfortunately. I know lymphoma is very treatable and hopefully this will be the case with my Dad too, but Gosh Damn IT, I am pissed. So I am going to bake some cookies, wish I could have a glass of wine, and get over my pity party. Then I am going to get out in our backyard and get it ready for Lila Faye to hunt some Easter eggs. Then Andy will be home and I can cry more tears in his shoulder and he can tell me everything is going to be fine. After that I am going to pick up Lila Faye and hold her and rock her and hug her and she can watch whatever movie she wants. Then I am going to pray and ask for your prayers too because what else can you really do in this situation?